When I was younger, my early teen years, I went through a mean streak. You know where I relentless teased certain kids, or called them names, or ganged up with my group of friends and bullied someone. I did that as "part of a group" and don't recall ever being the ring leader, but I did it all the same. As I got a little older I developed some morals, I began to understand consequences and karma.
I've often said that I have no regrets in life, but today I was thinking about it and I do have one regret. I regret my behavior during that time of my life. I regret the hurt I caused to others. I regret that I knowingly bullied others.....
In high school there was this girl, Allison. She was mental handicapped (I really don't know what the "politically" correct thing is to say...challenged, retarded, handicapped...). She had numerous deformities with her facial feature and her body, she spoke oddly and very loud. But she was a sweet girl and so very much wanted friends. Most people stayed away from her, made fun of her, ignored her. I formed a bond with this girl. I honestly have no idea how it happened, but it did. It didn't last long as I quickly moved onto new things all the time during that time, but the time is did last meant a lot to us both.
I took little K to the Holly Fair in my home town today and while there I saw her, Allison. She saw me and didn't know who I was, but approached me (she was with her Mom) and showed me the pictures she had taken with Santa. I complemented them and internally struggled with whether or not I should tell her who I was....
I decided to tell her........I asked her if her name was Allison, and she excitedly replied YES! I introduced myself and reminded her that we went to school together. She immediately said "you used to call me sometimes! and you came to my birthday!" she remembered me.....I remembered her.
It made me sad. Sad that the little attention I paid this girl nearly 20 years ago was still so fresh in her mind. It made me proud. Proud of myself for not being that stupid selfish teenager and taking the time to give this girl a friendship. It made me feel blessed. Blessed that my daughter was not born with issues like this.
She asked me if I would call her again, I was trying to be honest and said I didn't think I would be able to call her later (I wouldn't say never) and she asked again...her Mom jumped in and said "Yes dear, Mother gave her you cell phone number". I said goodbye and how nice it was to see her and walked away.
My heart is so heavy.......
2 comments:
I have the same regret. There was a boy in grammar school who used to pick his nose and eat his boogers in first grade- and I went along and teased him like the others for years. You can't have a habit like that and expect your peers to forget. I was even the ring leader once and got in big trouble.
I always tell Ricky to blow his nose, not pick it, etc because what you do in school might haunt you - and affect your social life for years. This boy was a social outcast in my grade, nobody wanted to be his friend or his girlfriend in high school.
Anyways, I saw him at our 20 year reunion in the spring and I apologized to him. He had forgotten and laughed a little, but I still felt like an ass. It was nice of you to say something to that girl - you made her day.
I think we all have those regrets. People we should have been kinder to, stood up for... but, I also think that recognizing that fact and trying to teach our own children better is half (or more) of the battle to make it better.
What a wonderful gift you were given. You made a difference in Allison's life. A difference she remembers 20 years later!
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