men vs. women....

How is it that T can eat a buffalo chicken sandwich (or other random foods) at midnight, is completely anti-exercise and he manages to lose 20lbs in the past few months. Yet I go to the gym, run, lift weights, walk whenever I can, watch what I eat and I weigh the most I have ever weighed when not pregnant.
I can smell him toasting the bread right now and am sure I just gained 2lbs by smelling it.

Bizarre dreams....

The past few days I have had some seriously bizarre dreams. They involve a baby crying, something squeezing me so tight I am unable to breathe. I feel the legs and arms wrapped around me, crushing my ribs. The whole time I am trying to soothe it (the baby?) and it makes me believe that is what it wants but in the end it is trying to destroy me.

I get this feeling while I am having them, an evil, unnatural, unwanted feeling. I just can't describe it. It leaves me awake and frightened to sleep. It leaves me needing to go and check on K. It leaves me grasping at straws at the meaning.....

Could it be that I am holding on too tight to the loss of a baby? A loss of a baby I will never conceive? I know I need to let it go, I need to put it out of my mind and move forward but it won't leave.

Could it be that I feel the pain of losing a baby because of Kellie's Maddie that died unexpectedly last week?

Could there be a spirit in my home trying to get to me? Trying to drive me bat shit crazy? (don't even laugh - you know it can happen)

I need these dreams to stop. I need to sleep again. I need to resolve my demons.

SAHD confrontation....

I just had to share this. I don't believe T has ever run into this exact scenario...but he has certainly faced similar~

Friday Night Leftovers....the late night version

• I just don't seem to have much rolling around my mind....
• We desperately need a new battery for this laptop, it no longer charges and god forbid the plug gets knocked out we lose EVERYTHING we are working on.
• I am not liking how T took over my laptop either. I bought this for me to have during and after maternity leave and it seems like I never get on here.
• I so badly wanted to buy a new car with our tax refund and my bonus from work...and then I looked at my credit balance.
• No new car for me, at least not for a while.
• I am over winter. Really I am. However it has been nice and sunny lately which has certainly helped lift my spirits, but I miss pedicures and flip flops.
• My sister and her work friends are taking a trip to NYC 4/30. They invited me along. I really want/need a trip to the city. I may have to go. Except I want to go with my friends...or at least meet Danifred there!
• My heart hurt all week after reading about the death of a beautiful little girl. I found myself enjoying every poopy diaper, every whiny cry, every snotty nose. I received so many snuggles and kisses. I can't get enough of my girl this week. I need to always keep that in my mind, life can change so quickly.
• There are only 22 more days till spring!
• Only 96 more days until our family and friends vacation in the Cape!
• My Birthday is in 2weeks and 1 day.
• I need to sleep late this weekend. Like REALLY need to, but I always make stupid plans starting at some ungodly hour like 9am. Stupid girl.

I think I have spewed everything I possibly can out of my brain. Hope you all enjoy mine and Danifred's other participants left over's this week~

The little moments....sometimes have to last a lifetime

....please take a minute tonight to love the child in your life. Whether it be your child, your friends child, a niece, nephew......

A fellow blogger lost her daughter this week, unexpected and so unfathomable.

Please cherish the moments we get~

Friday Leftovers....I remembered!!!!

It's been weeks since I remembered to participate in Friday Night Leftovers in time for it to still be Friday night!

• I feel like all I have done this week is fold laundry yet I have no clean clothes. How does that happen?
• Have you ever noticed how completely disturbing nursery rhymes are? 2 blind mice as an example.....Three blind mice, three blind mice, See how they run, see how they run, They all ran after the farmer's wife, Who cut off their tails with a carving knife, Did you ever see such a thing in your life, As three blind mice? Cut off their tails!! And I am reading this to my 2 yr old at bedtime...nice
• Speaking of my child....she is brilliant. Let me tell you!! (of course I would say that she's mine) Tonight while reading to her, one of her favorite bedtime books "Shadow Boxes the story of ABC's" I asked her to tell me the letters on the cover. As I pointed to them (out of order) she told them to me....H.A.D.O.W.B.O.X. The only letter she didn't get was the S, instead she said Z. But the Z is the S reversed, so I thought that was pretty good still! (actually she said Apple instead of A). I had no idea she knew that many letters!
• We also recently discovered that she can count to 10. AMAZING! This is the kid that I have been freaking out because she doesn't say more than 2 words paired.
• The past 2 weeks at work have been HIGH stress. Performance review time. HATE IT.
• I had a few more interviews last week. All for 1 job (6!). I have 2 more next week for a different job. All are internal to my company.
• I am feeling ok after the tomato emergency earlier this week. Having a lot of indigestion and heartburn but otherwise no fevers or anything serious happening.
• Tomorrow I am hosting a playgroup at my house. As of 2 hours ago I was expecting 10 people (I think that is Mom's and Kid's). Over the past 2 hours I had 4 cancels. This of course is after I spent the past 5 hours cleaning my house and making coffee cakes...bitches
• Took K for another hearing test with the audiologist. Since she failed her tests at the pedi I wanted to make sure there really wasn't anything wrong with the ears. There isn't, she is fine, just the nurse at my Dr's is a twit.
• I spent 3 hours on iTunes last night trying to find a good running mix for my ipod.....in the end I bought the new Ryan Adams album and 3 Yo Gabba Gabba episodes.....no running mix
• If you have favorites for running, please do share. I am having a really hard time creating a playlist.

OMG I just read through my mundane bullets. Not even I want these leftovers! To see what others are rambling about this week swing over to Sippy Cups are not for Starbucks~

And to end with a fun photo......hallucinogenic lollipop!!

The rogue tomato tale....

What do you get when you mix an over worked, stressed out, and tired Mom with a Big salad, key board and laptop??? A rogue tomato lodged in her trachea, eventually to be aspirated into your lungs....yes that is what you get.

Let me set the stage for you...while sitting at my desk in my office for the first time in days AND having a whole 20 mins available to me to eat. I pulled up to the computer and began reviewing my overflow of emails while I chowed down on my salad. On maybe the 8th bite I was suddenly choking on a grape tomato. Like for real choking. I was unable to speak, breath, I could not get up to run for help. It was so scary. I managed to remain calm and dislodged the food however when it became dislodged it made it's way "down the wrong pipe", otherwise known as Pulmonary aspiration.

The next few hours were followed by me coughing and coughing and coughing some more. I was able to eat, drink, speak and breathe, but I had this lump in my throat that would not go away. After maybe 4 hours or so I noticed the lump was sinking, sliding, slipping down into my chest.

I guess it was around this point that I started to have a bit of a panic attack. Was it slipping into my lungs? OMG what does the anatomy of my body look like? How does it work? So I turned to the most obvious and knowledgeable resource....Facebook! Yeah not the place to turn unless you want to freak yourself the F* out!

In the end I called my Dr. and found out that it is highly likely that I did in fact aspirate all or part of the tomato during the choking episode. By the time I had called it was too late for an xray or an attempt to try and scope it out. In the end the Dr. said that my body will reject the tomato and cause an infection. So I am being prescribed antibiotics to ward of the evil lung infection....super .

Sunday Senses....the midday version

• Sight: The stack of valentines I had K make almost 2 weeks ago, still sitting on the hutch and not addressed to anyone....Valentine's day is tomorrow...crappity crap
• Taste: Nothing actually, which makes me realize I need to eat and drink something when I am done writing this
• Smell: Chlorine. Took K swimming this am. Never rinsed off after the swim and now all I can smell is the chlorine that is dried onto my skin
• Touch: Really dry hands. The combo of the frigid cold temps and swimming in a pool that has enough chlorine in it for 12 pools has done a number on my skin today.
• Hear: K via the monitor. I put her down for a nap and she is up there talking to her Yo Gabba Gabba blanket. "Yo Muno. I kick MomMom. Bubbles. Duck" translation...."Muno, I went swimming with Mommy and I was kicking and blowing bubbles. I held onto the rubber ducky too". Also the washing machine on spin cycle. Today is towels and sheets....
  

Follow your senses over to Rebecca to see what others have on their eyes, ears, nose, mouth and hands today....

Because yesterday wasn't shitty enough....

...today needed to be shittier.

Seriously, I've had just a couple of SHIT filled days. To top it off...my child Shit in the tub tonight......yeah me

what a shit day...

how's that for a title?
my day started off with the f*ing cat scratching on every surface in the bedroom in an attempt to wake my ass up (i say my ass because t somehow does not hear this) and be fed breakfast.....at 5am.....on a morning i am off of work...wtf
by 8am i was showered, dressed, chili was in the crockpot on low....sounds good right? except i don't have to be to work till noon!!!
i loaded k in the car and headed out to her 2yr well child visit. on the way my car began making a horrid noise, coming from the wheels, it was louder the slower i went. once i hit 60 ot went away. going 60 on a 35 with your 2yr old is ok right?
at the dr.s office we got called right in (i saw this a positive sign for the rst of my day...nope) k is too big now to be weighed on the baby scale so they had her stand on the old fashioned kind. of course she did not stand still so the 30lbs reported to me may or may not be accurate. then they tried to get her height, i wrote down (because it was what the nurse reported to me) 29 3/4....when i got home i saw in her baby book that she was 29lbs and 33inches at her 18mo. so she shrunk over 3 inches and gained only a lb? i have to fault the nimwit nurse...i donmt know how she keeps her job.
k also failed her hearing test in both ears. i don't believe it and again feel that the nurse was clueless. but of course i am now taking her next friday to the ent that tested her 6mos ago. they have a baseline already and a real audiologist will test her.
i can't go on.....
see why my title is what it is? and all of this was only until 10:30am!!!

Happy Birthday Baby K!!!!

You are 2 today!! Oh my girl how you have grown over this year. You learned to walk, to run, to climb. You learned how to express your needs vocally. You became a snuggle bug. You have learned the meaning of No, though you don't always listen to it correctly!


You learned how to use a fork and spoon, although fingers work just as well still! You learned how to undress yourself. You know your body parts, shapes, and several letters. You repeat almost everything we say..which means we have to be very careful.

Everyone that meets you, loves you. You are so well behaved, polite, and friendly. Thank you for making the past two years the best years of my life. I love you more than I ever knew possible. With all my heart - MomMom

(If you are "newer" to my blog and care to read about K's entry to the world, you can find it here, here, and finally here!)

Sunday Senses....

• See: Wow Wow Wubbzy on TV. K eating a bagel and an assortment of fruit. The sun beaming into my sun room. A filthy rug and floor that were spotless 4 hours ago. A pile of new plastic crap that my child will play with endlessly
• Taste: Coffee, cake, and the need to brush my teeth
• Smell: Breath (see above!). K's hair and the cream cheese on her bagel
• Touch: My almost 2year old leaning against me, so tired but so hyped up on sugar she won't/can't sleep. A sweaty bra and socks that feel too hot all of a sudden.
• Hear: Some stupid ass song on Wubbzy. The cat scratching the walls to get out of the kitchen (the gates enclose him too. The silence that follows a 2nd birthday party...

What are your senses up to? Thanks to Rebecca for keeping me connected to mine~

And a quick preview to the Birthday party post. Many of you clearly do not watch Yo Gabba Gabba, cause you questioned what a Foofa was. Well I envy those of you that have not been sucked into the land of Gabba!! Yo Gabba Gabba is K's all time FAVORITE program. We own every episode available on DVD and watch them constantly. Foofa is the pink character on the show and she is K's favorite. This is the cake I made..the Foofa cake~

Friday Night Leftovers

It's been like 3 weeks since I did Friday Night Leftovers! Of course I continue to follow along and read everyone else's. Luckily Danifred keeps it up and running~

• I am so over the winter...have I mentioned all the flippin white shit that is surrounding me? You can't safely pull in or out of places. Buildings are collapsing by the dozens. This entire state is beginning to look like the ending of a Will Smith movie....DONE - OVER IT -
• K's 2nd birthday party is supposed to be tomorrow. Not happening. Why you ask? See bullet #1. MUTHER F*er. I am however still having a couple of our close friends and their kids here on Sunday.
• I am "attempting" to make a Foofa Cake . I had her cake made last year, but want to try a little harder, make more of an effort for her to remember her cakes and how hard Mommy worked on them. I bought a heart shaped cake pan, and made that plus some cupcakes.....hmmm they smell really good.....must not eat them..anyway, even if it comes out like shit I'll show you my master piece. (There is a carvel in the garage freezer as a back up!)
• I guess the plus of having the party postponed by a day is that I have one more day to try and clean up this pig sty.
• So lets talk about my almost 2 year old! She is repeating more and more words the past couple weeks. She loves to get naked and runs around screaming "Nakey Baby! Nakey Baby!". She has been going on the potty more frequently at bath time. Of course, we don't take a bath every night in the winter....and she doesn't go any other time. Nor are we preparing for training.
• Those job interviews I had a few weeks back. One job was offered to me but I had to turn it down because they could not pay me enough to be back to an equal of where I am now. The other was not a fit. I have however recently applied for 2 more internal roles. I have 6 interviews for one of the roles (yes 6 different people for one measly role!) and am a shoe in for it, as well as the one I just applied for this week.
• I am still hurting about the fact that we will not have another child. But I have to remind myself that when we met, moved in together, got married even, we were NEVER going to have any children. I was the one that initiated the first time, and he knew how much I wanted it, so agreed. I can't ask him to compromise himself more to have another. We both love K so much. She has brought us so much joy. There is never a moment of regret from either of us. But if I "talked him into" or "convinced" him to have another, there would be regret and resentment. So for now I hurt, but I am sure that in time I will heal.....or get a puppy
• Mmmm, I can smell that T just made a pot of Cafe Estima and a tube of cinnamon roles!! Sorry no leftovers of those for you!

It's official....

...no more babies for me. For us.

We had "the talk" tonight, the one where we discuss whether or not we will be adding to our family. I will be 34 in a month, he is 40, K is about to turn 2...for me it is now or never. For him it is never.

I have to admit, I am heart broken. I really thought we would have one more. But now that I know we will not I need to put that in my mind and move forward. It is all I can do.

I just wish I had been connected more to my pregnancy with K. I was such a nervous wreck about losing her that I feel like I never properly bonded with her while I was pregnant. Even after she was born, it took me a little while. I am afraid I will live the rest of my life feeling an emptiness. I feel it now. I hope it goes away..................

I'd jump off the roof......

.......but I'd just sink into the almost 4 feet of snow that surrounds my house!

Mother nature can kiss my ass~

I know I wanted snow, I wanted to use my snow blower, I wanted to watch K as she discovered and explored the snow. But for real, I am done with this shit. I have not worked a full week of wok in the office since Thanksgiving! And you all know that I am not one to complain about missing my long commute, but I am going crazy being stuck here.

I live in the southern part of New England and we have been SLAMMED with snow this year. Per the main weather center we've had 76.5 inches of snow (since Dec 26-1st snow fall). But in the southern part of the state, where I live, I have measured at least 80 inches. That is almost 7 feet of snow people....in a month.

I spent 4 hours on Sunday and another 5 hours on Monday on my roof, shoveling snow. That would be like a good 40 inches of snow. Waist high snow.

There have been so many news stories in our state of roof's collapsing on buildings and homes because of all the snow. In preparation of the storm I am in the middle of now (another foot to two feet - with sleet and freezing rain mixed in) we needed to get the roof cleared. Just on Sunday there were a dozen people that fell off their roofs. Probably more, but they didn't all call 911. I had 1 slip, and while it was scary, I quickly realized that I wouldn't have been hurt since the snow is literally 4 feet high all around my house.

Today I am in terrible pain. Every muscle in my body hurts and I really injured my left shoulder, but can't get to a doctor until the end of the week because the roads are a sheet of ice.

I am done with winter....I think I may just shoot that damn groundhog tomorrow.