Oh no....

...Baby K has discovered that it is the funniest thing ever to fart while taking a bath! She gets this look on her face, looks down, watches the bubbles and LAUGHS!

Happy Halloween!

I'm lame...I really don't get into Halloween, never really have. I feel bad, like baby K will suffer because of it.

Anyway, I decided against spending the money on a one time wear costume for her this year. She is asleep by 6:30, so it's not like she'll be up to give out candy with me. I did however get her some Halloween PJ's and a SUPER Cool outfit to wear for the day (and many more times beyond Halloween).....

Can't wait to see pics from all of your trick or treat adventures...What do you prefer Trick or Treat?

No swine for me thank you~

Our Dr.'s office is not offering the H1N1 vaccination to all patients at this time. Presently they are vaccinating only pregnant women, health care providers, caregivers/parents of infants under 6 months, infants under 6 months and children 2-18.

Seeing as though none of us fall into any of those categories we are not eligible. I must say I am a bit glad we are not eligible. I am very torn about whether or not I wanted it for myself or baby K. I've read a lot about it, the good, the bad and the ugly. I do believe that there is risk, but I do believe there is a risk with every vaccination I get or give to my baby...in general the risk heavily out weighs the consequences.

We go back to see the doctor on 11/10 for baby K's 9 month checkup, she said that at that time she will re-evaluate depending on the remaining supply. So I have more time to stew....in the end if she recommends we get it, we will. I trust my doctor to make a safe decision for us.

Anywho....I completed one week on the meds and so far so good. I've had some pretty regular headaches a little nausea, which I am attributing to the meds, but I am hoping that as my body gets used to them the side effects will level off.

Baby K has has bronchitis. She was coughing for a couple of weeks and we finally took her in this past Monday. The doctor did not give her meds, just prescribed plenty of fluids, warm mist humidifier and cuddles...We follow directions to a T (prolly over dosing on the cuddles) and she had gotten worse. She coughs like a grown man that has smoked for 40 years. It breaks my heart to hear it. She doesn't seem to be bothered by it in the least, but me, it kills me when she coughs. So I took her back today when I went in. The Dr. watched her belly as she breathed, looked in her ears, her nose, her throat, listened to her chest and her back, and the prognoses was....Her lungs sound perfect and she is a complete picture of health. What the Fuck? She keeps me up at night with her hacking...she turns blue from coughing so hard and so long that she doesn't breathe...how the fuck are her lungs clear? So my new prescription is...continue with the humidifier, vapo rub and fluids...and don't bring her back unless she gets a fever over 101.

I am glad she is ok, but seriously, we are not making this crap up.

Whatever....

Update on the sunken battleship...

I called my Doctor this afternoon. She was already gone for the day, but the nurse could tell I was upset and did not want to talk to her or another doctor. My doctor called me back and asked me to come in right away.

Mind you, she was already home and came back into the office to see me (I Love Her).

Anyway, we talked for a good hour and she is pretty adamant about me going on an anti-depressant for a short term period. While I am still not in love with this idea, I very much trust her judgement of me and my mental health so I will comply and give it a try. I will also reach out to the therapist that T and I have used over the years and see if I can get in to start seeing him again.

I just hate this "not in control" feeling. Thanks for listening...and I am sorry if I have not been very attentive to all of your posts. I am reading regularly, but just don't feel like I have much advice to give right now~

Sinking ship in the middle of the arctic...

I am sinking, rapidly sinking, into a pit of depression. I have never been a "depressed" person. I have never had to deal with "depression" within me. I went through counseling when I was a teenager because I was so depressed, but I went so that I could learn how to deal with it without medication. I am not a fan of medication to treat depression. I am however a fan of medication to treat a chemical imbalance causing the depression. There is a difference.

In my case I know the reason I am depressed, I am losing my job, they are working me to death in the meantime (because they need me - slap in the face!), and I have no idea what to do beyond what I do now. So thank you, but no meds for me.

It would be different if all was good at work and home and I was just sad all the time, then I would begin to wonder what had changed in my body's chemistry and explore the options that medication could assist with.

Soul searching is exhausting. I spend most of my days fighting back the tears (and am not always successful-had a total breakdown in the office yesterday - twice), my drives home are in silence, replaying the list of things I did not accomplish for the day that I need to go home and work on, I am not cooking meals for us, I am letting the house keeping go, all because I am consumed with this sadness, this anger, this feeling of despair.

There is so much weight on my shoulders. I am the bread winner in the house. I carry the benefits. I pay the bills. I provide the food that nourishes us. I am out of a job.

I am searching daily for new jobs, but in my field they are extremely limited. So there must be hundreds of people applying for the same roles and well, I am not even getting into the consideration. In this market it is all about who you know, not how well you do your job. And that sucks because, frankly, I think I do damn good~

After my melt down yesterday, I came home and tried to sleep and couldn't. My mind is racing with so many worries that sleep is an impossibility. Finally after hours of laying there I took an ambien. Making my way to dream land was still difficult, but I did finally succeed. I awoke this morning and the thought of showering and going to work brought me to tears, I knew at that moment that I could not go there today....what if I can never go there again? I called in and went back to bed along with some assistance from Ms. Ambien again...to awake at 1:45pm today. And what did I awake to? More tears. How can I continue like this? I have never felt like this before. I know I need to see the doctor, I know I need to address it, but I feel like the only way to address it is to find another job and go into my present work and give a big FUCK YOU!

There's a baby on the way....

HA! Not me you silly fools! To A T is in labor and her hubby Batman is documenting it step by step!

For Sale....

Re-posting with some edits and because there are some new readers/new Mommies on here

**Orig posted on 4/19/09**

18 BRAND NEW Bum Genius 3.0 diapers and inserts....

Baby K just won't have it. She hates a wet diaper and the second the starts to wet one of these she FREAKS out...

I have pre-washed all but 6 of the diapers.

Here is what I have.....

3 each of Clementine, Butternut, Grasshopper, and Twilight. And I have 6 White. The Twilight are still in the original packages (not pre-washed) as well as 3 of the whites. But like I said, the others were just pre-washed never used.

I paid $392 for 24 of these and would like to make most of my money back. If anyone wants to buy all of them at once I'll take $300 and will pay for the shipping out of that.

If you want only a few...then they will be $16.95 a piece plus $5.00 to help cover the shipping .... I'm making this offer to you ladies first...

Houston....we have take off....

..before getting to my big news, let me share some excitement for others....

Congrats to Morgan and Kevin! They are getting married this week on Thursday!

Congrats to the Dudes mama Kate! Have you been over to her blog lately? Um yeah, she got a surprise BIG FAT POSITIVE preggo test. Keeping my fingers and toes crossed that this pregnancy is a little easier on her than the last, and that it is a little girl, cause she is seriously out numbered in her house already!

To A T is now 5 days past her due date! Baby Olive will be here anytime. You need to follow Batman's blog to know when the delivery is in progress....

Beth at Blue Gingham Jumpers is also expecting another little one (I don't know how I missed this update!!!)

Kate of Sweet Salty has a new book that is out. Support your fellow bloggers and get one as a holiday gift. I put it on my wish list..

Kari is pimping some new goods at her Etsy store. If you wear hair pins or have a baby girl that you are looking for some super sweet head bands for...take a trip to see her.

I know I am missing someone.....I'll think of it and come back...

But now for my news.....we have begun to crawl!

Great night...great friends...

Apologies in advance for F*ck ups in my writing...I've got a buzz.....

I held a happy hour (s) at my house tonight. Had about 15 people here..made food, drank lots, had laughs and smoked cloves (yup! Found some contraband and bought 2 pack to be frozen!!!)

There is nothing quite as fun as having laughs with friends over stories that have been told hundreds of times already.

In other news, T is sick..really sick, like FLU sick. I had to kick him out of the house tonight. Sent him to his Mom's (she's out of town) to spend the night. I normally would cater to him, but I just can't have him near Baby K. I hope it worked, but not too sure. She's been running a fever for 2 days now. Low grade (@100.3) but a fever at that. Hoping she is just teething or something versus getting the flu....

Shape shifter....

..I know I will not explain this right..bare with me.

I had this creepy weird ass dream last night. I kept waking up from it because it was getting to me, but every time I fell back to sleep it kept coming back. I hate that shit.

So what I remember is that there was a woman, a very normal, attractive, friendly enough woman. She was enclosed into a space, a cage maybe, or a room with a window....anyway anytime a person would engage in conversation with her it allowed her to shift shapes and escape the confinement...when she would get out she would wrap her mouth around the persons head and eat them, maybe as a way to gain enough energy to continue on? IDK what ever it was it was creepy. I remember one part of the dream where she was confined behind a screen and managed to melt her self, or soften herself enough to squeeze trough the screen openings and re-connect her pieces together on the other side....my skin is crawling now

Why is it when we have bad dreams they come back as soon as you fall asleep, but great dreams that you wake up from are impossible to re-enter?