I am sinking, rapidly sinking, into a pit of depression. I have never been a "depressed" person. I have never had to deal with "depression" within me. I went through counseling when I was a teenager because I was so depressed, but I went so that I could learn how to deal with it without medication. I am not a fan of medication to treat depression. I am however a fan of medication to treat a chemical imbalance causing the depression. There is a difference.
In my case I know the reason I am depressed, I am losing my job, they are working me to death in the meantime (because they need me - slap in the face!), and I have no idea what to do beyond what I do now. So thank you, but no meds for me.
It would be different if all was good at work and home and I was just sad all the time, then I would begin to wonder what had changed in my body's chemistry and explore the options that medication could assist with.
Soul searching is exhausting. I spend most of my days fighting back the tears (and am not always successful-had a total breakdown in the office yesterday - twice), my drives home are in silence, replaying the list of things I did not accomplish for the day that I need to go home and work on, I am not cooking meals for us, I am letting the house keeping go, all because I am consumed with this sadness, this anger, this feeling of despair.
There is so much weight on my shoulders. I am the bread winner in the house. I carry the benefits. I pay the bills. I provide the food that nourishes us. I am out of a job.
I am searching daily for new jobs, but in my field they are extremely limited. So there must be hundreds of people applying for the same roles and well, I am not even getting into the consideration. In this market it is all about who you know, not how well you do your job. And that sucks because, frankly, I think I do damn good~
After my melt down yesterday, I came home and tried to sleep and couldn't. My mind is racing with so many worries that sleep is an impossibility. Finally after hours of laying there I took an ambien. Making my way to dream land was still difficult, but I did finally succeed. I awoke this morning and the thought of showering and going to work brought me to tears, I knew at that moment that I could not go there today....what if I can never go there again? I called in and went back to bed along with some assistance from Ms. Ambien again...to awake at 1:45pm today. And what did I awake to? More tears. How can I continue like this? I have never felt like this before. I know I need to see the doctor, I know I need to address it, but I feel like the only way to address it is to find another job and go into my present work and give a big FUCK YOU!
8 comments:
((((((((HUGS))))))))))
I feel the hurt. I struggle at night too. I lay awake worrying a lot about our finances and thinking a lot about whats going to happen.
I will say my prayers that you are given a solution. Try and keep your chin up hun. Try and take things moment by moment.
Oh girl! Sending hugs! And prayers that a new job comes up really really soon!
(((HUGS)))
I'm so sorry you're going through this. It really stinks that your job NEEDS you but you're getting let go.
Not sure what websites you're using to look for jobs, but indeed.com is probably the best one out there. It collects from monster, careerbuilder, and tons of others and displays them. I've been out of a job for 9 months now and the depression comes and goes.
((HUGS)) I know sometimes hugs just don't do it.
I can't believe your work is such assholes working you to death, then saying hey your being laid off. Fuck them! Any chance this is Amazon? Totally kidding, they did that shit to me.
oh karianne... i wondered what was going on... you've been so absent lately. (i know we aren't "real" friends, but i still missed you.)
i'm so sorry that you're going through this. i don't know what to say, other than you need to do whatever you can to get better. you're so resourceful, & such a strong woman i know you'll find your way. i hope you find some peace this weekend & some clarity that allows you to reach some POA, whether that's to pursue a new line of work or to find a good doc. & in the meantime, we're here to listen, cry with you, or cheer you on. ((hugs))
Posting this..
Saying how your feeling out loud is a huge step.
Don't try and push yourself.. when you are ready you will go to the doctors...
Its understandable you are so upset, angry and frustrated..when you give yourself to something and it kicks you in the face you have every right too be angry.
Take it one day at a time, because right now this is all you can do.
You will be in my thoughts.
PS:
I promise it will get better, even if its slowly.
You are such a strong woman, you can do this.
Hey Kiddo:
I can and will always be able to relate to the same pressures and stresses you are dealing with. I've been down this same road to the point where I didn't reconize the person I saw in the mirror shaving. In the end I had to take a moment and be selfish and find something that makes me happy to take a break from being a dad, husband, father, employee and financial wheel. Find and outlet for you....and don't feel guilty. DT
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